On Sundays, I usually take time to recharge and realign my life. Throughout the week I am usually running like a madwoman LOL. Between taking Haiz to school, gymnastics, and dance class, I have no idea how I am still able to do laundry, cook, clean dishes, and make sure my house doesn't look like the next episode for "Hoarders." So on Sunday, as the good Lord says, "We Rest." The last couple of Sundays, Haiz's father and I agreed to allow her to stay with him on the weekends, and at first, I was so excited! I finally had some quiet time to just GET ME TOGETHA! However, over the past couple of weekends, I can honestly say I have missed her so much. It HAS BEEN PEACEFUL despite me having to close her room door because I hate looking into an empty room. (Judge ya mama not me.)
So in her absence I decided that I needed to take this uninterrupted time to really hone in on things that make ME happy. & YALL I HAD A TOUGH TIME DOING THAT! I honestly had to sit and think, "Well Lauren, what is something that you can do, that will make YOU happy." So in the midst of wrecking my brain trying to find something to do that would fill up my idle time, I decided to sit and listen to a sermon by my good-good girlfriend Pastor Sarah Jakes Roberts. (She and I are super close in my mind LOL) That day the sermon was entitled "The Undoing" and straight from the title I knew I was heading down a slippery slope of self-awareness. LOL Anytime Pastor Sarah speaks I feel like she's usually speaking to me or my situtation. It may be because of the similar story we share of single motherhood, the expectations of her from her family and community, the shame she felt, the disappointment, I DON'T KNOW, but we just connect.
In the sermon, Pastor Sarah addressed so much and I suggest anyone who may be going through a life-changing transition you listen to "The Undoing" when you get a chance. Trust me it will change your life, MMKAY. There was a line in particular that stuck out to me the most in the sermon and it was,
" There is peace in the Undoing"- Sarah Jakes Roberts.
Ya'll when I say that line hit me like a ton of bricks. Now for many people when we look at the word, "undoing" we think about something falling apart, or not working out. But, when I looked up the actual definition of "undoing" it read,
un·do·ing /ˌənˈdo͞oiNG/ noun 1. a person's ruin or downfall.
A person's ruin or downfall. My God for the last 8 months I have battled with my own "ruin" or "downfall." If someone would have told me 2-3 years ago that I would be a single mother and working hard to figure things out, I would have looked them in the face and said, "YOU A LIE!" However, this is exactly where I am. I started sitting in my own "ruin", wading in this sadness of my "downfall" and beating myself up about how this was so unfair to my daughter. This was never the life I envisioned for myself or for my baby girl. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MARRIED TO THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND WORKING ON MY SECOND CHILD, BELOVED! LOL But, when Pastor Sarah said, "There is peace in the undoing," for some odd reason, it clicked for me. All this time I had been blaming myself and beating myself up for making illogical moves to even be in the situation I'm in now, but despite all of that, God had been with me throughout everything. So all though it was an "Undoing" of my fantasy world that I had created in MY mind, there is so much PEACE that can be found in this undoing of my dreams. It was here that I had let go of my need to have the outcome I desperately desired and started saying, “God, I’ll have peace wherever this journey takes me.” I can't change what happened, I can't undo what has been done, but what I can do is move forward with purpose and strength.
You can literally allow yourself to LOSE YOURSELF in your own "Undoings." You didn't get the dream job, you didn't get into the program that you wanted, you lost a friendship/relationship, you didn't get the house, the list can go on and on. There are so many things that can happen in our lives that feel like an "Undoing." But, can I suggest to you that maybe you change your mindset, (as hard as it may be) that maybe there's peace in things falling apart because they were meant to fall apart for your good. (Crazy right?) What if things fell apart:
-To help push you to make you stronger;
-To make you a better partner/mother/sister/auntie/friend;
-To create a deeper connection with God;
-To make you question your dreams;
-To propel you to the next level because you're grinding harder than you ever have before.
When I started to look at my situation as a whole, God had made a way and provided so much peace to me despite my undoing. I was able to purchase a home, get a new job, gain a decent following on TikTok, and get paid for it, and now I am so focused on writing and connecting with other women/mothers to uplift and encourage them through everyday life! All this time I was wondering what makes me "Happy" and in the middle of my own "Undoing" I found a new drive and purpose to do something that truly makes ME happy. My Undoing pushed me to work harder for my OWN personal goals, to start doing things that I ENJOY, and to put myself first. So in a sense, I am so grateful for my "Undoing." I don't think I would be doing half of the things I'm doing or have done in the past 8 months if it never happened.
All of this to say find PEACE in your own "Undoings," beloved. There is a reason for it all. Be strong, and understand that what is happening, or has happened DOES NOT DEFINE YOU! You have the power to start over! & Sometimes God forces things to fall apart to draw you closer to Him, and to put you back on the path that He always had destined for you. I love you, Go Conquer the Day!